Sport should be at the forefront of every Dub's mind. It is a conversation starter, a reason to buy the otherwise depressing papers and something to look at on the telly while herself watches the reality TV shite in the other room. It is also a good enough excuse to get you out of the house for a few pints and can provide a nice break when you feel like you'll turn into a pint if you have any more. Therefore I think it fitting that I should dedicate an entire post to Dublin sport. I think you will find it useful.
Firstly, some sports you should avoid. Any sport where the bandwagon-jumpers outnumber the real fans should be avoided. So that's rugby, cricket, Dublin GAA, and international football covered. A quick word on each of these first, though.
Rugby is a boring sport. There is very little skill required for this game. Only the fella who kicks it over the bar has the right to call himself a sportsman. The rest are just strong/fast lads who went to posh schools. Kicking the ball out for a throw-in is seen as a great move - boring. Rugby has attracted thousands of bandwagon-jumpers over the last few years, especially European "club" rugby. Our clubs weren't good enough to win anything, so they made up new super-clubs, funded by the national governing body, and to hell with the small clubs. I think I've got the jist of that. I could look it up, but I'm afraid I'd bore myself to death.
Cricket is a Brits game. We never really had much of an interest in it. Then the Irish team got to a World Cup. The usual nonsense started. I've no idea what the rules of cricket are, so I won't make much more comment on it. Then again, I doubt many of the people who followed Ireland in the World Cup knew the rules either, but a bandwagon's a bandwagon for these cunts.
Dublin GAA is a strange one. Gaelic football and hurling are bogger sports. They're played by bachelor farmers trying to get the sexual frustration out of their systems and watched by families of 27 who eat sandwiches out of the boot of their car on the way to the match. The only reason I can think of as to why Dubs watch these fights (or sports, I suppose) is to see Dublin people beating culchies at their own game. The problem is, Dublin lose more often than not. How the GAA even got permission to build an 80,000-capacity monument to inbreeding in the middle of a residential area in Dublin is anybody's guess (although if you're guess involves brown envelopes and free ministerial pints in clubhouses around the country then you're probably right. Allegedly.)
International football is an unfortunate one. Football (not soccer, that's a word only mullahs and Yanks use) is undoubtedly a fine sport. Dublin has produced some of the greatest footballers ever known. Liam Whelan, Johnny Giles, Pierce O'Leary, etc. Unfortunately, since Jack Charlton and Euro '88, international football fandom has become associated with leprechaun hats, "having the craic" and not having the first fucking clue about football. Real football fans are forced to sit among these drunken, clueless idiots if they want to cheer on their country. And that's if they're lucky enough to get a ticket. Funnily enough, there's never a problem getting a ticket for games against the weaker footballing nations. Not that I'm calling the general Irish public event-junkies or anything. Actually, that's exactly what I'm doing. And all this because the FAI and Jack Charlton decided it was better to have English-born "legends" like Terry Phelan and Eddie McGoldrick help an England B team wearing Ireland shirts scrap their way to major finals than to give the best Irish players a chance to represent their country. If you think there's nothing wrong with this then cop yourself on. How would you feel if you were the top Irish goalscorer in Europe, but you couldn't get into the national team because some cockney who'd never been to Ireland in his life decided it would be a good career move to mention he had an Irish granny?
Saying all that, football is still a perfectly acceptable sport for a Dub to have an interest in. In fact, you will come across as odd if you don't like it. The best thing you can do is start following a Dublin-based League of Ireland team. Having an interest in junior football is also recommended, and if you can slip into the conversation that you once done a bit of scouting for an English club, all the better. You are advised to keep an eye on the English game as well, as it will give you something to read in the paper and the conversation in your local on a Sunday will undoubtedly turn to the previous day's action at some point. Supporting an English team, however, should only be attempted if you have a story to back it up. I once talked to a Dub in a bar who told me he followed Chelsea because a Christian Brother who battered him around at school once brought him back a Chelsea programme from a visit to London, by way of apology. This is a perfectly acceptable reason to follow Chelsea. Admitting you like an English team because they were winning things when you were growing up will mark you out as a glory-hunter who is not to be trusted. Make sure you also tell your pals, on a regular basis, about how close you were to making it as a professional footballer. And remember, never let the truth get in the way of a good story.
You won't be able to bluff, however, when it comes to the sports every Dub should be good at. So start honing your skills on the pool table and dart board. You will end up out of pocket if you don't. Which brings me on to gambling, the main reason for a Dub's interest in sport. As well as the football, a deep knowledge of the ins and outs of racing is required. Horses and dogs. Not motor racing, that's just traffic. Some people say the bookmaker always wins. Dubs know this not to be the case. He always wins against amateurs and gobshites. So much so that he doesn't notice how much drinking money the real Dubs are taking from him. So get yourself a copy of the Racing Post and let's keep it that way.
Any sports I haven't mentioned aren't worth mentioning. I'll leave it there for now. Hit Follow and don't be annoying me, good men. Talk to yiz soon.
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