There's a worrying change of culture happening in Dublin at the moment and, as usual, the yuppies and mullahs are to blame. In our wonderful little city, everybody used to talk to everybody else. No matter who you were or where you were, you could be guaranteed a chat with another Dub. Two things happened to more or less put an end to this though. Firstly, mullahs started arriving into the city to escape inbreeding and their local parish priest. This led many unsuspecting Dubs to start a conversation about the weather with an undercover muldoon and end up stuck talking about the price of cattle and how you can't get a decent pint of Murphy's (as if there is such a thing) in Dublin. This led to Dubs becoming more and more careful about who they talked to, until eventually, many stopped bothering altogether.
Secondly, the yuppies came along. With their mobile phones and personal stereos. If they're not talking shite (and I mean yuppie shite, which is far inferior to Dublin shite) into one, then they're sharing their "music" with everyone in the vicinity. While I'm on the subject, I may as well tell you the one reason why these arseholes have their music up so loud. It's not so they can hear it better, or drown everything else out. It's so other people will hear it and think "Oh, that yuppie has a wonderful taste in music, what a brilliant, intelligent person they must be." Well we don't think that, we think you're cunts, and we can't wait until you inevitably go deaf. Anyway, no chat with them, even if you wanted to.
Nevertheless, old-fashioned Dublin shite-talk still exists. This post hopes to prepare you for said shite-talk.
I'll start the same way Dublin conversations start; with the initial small-talk. Sometimes, depending on how much time you've got or how chatty your conversing partner is, this can be the entire conversation. So it's important to get it right. In most instances, the weather will be first on the agenda. You will both act very surprised at how cold/wet/warm it is outside, despite the weather having been exactly like this at this time of year, every year, for as long as you can remember. Here are a few stock phrases to get you started;
"It's not bad for (insert month.)"
"It's not as cold as it was."
"Sure once it's dry we can't complain."
"That's a hardy one."
"Ah, it's too cold to snow."
Nobody knows what any of these phrases mean, but nobody really cares. You will also notice these are for use in the winter months as, in Dublin, winter lasts from October until October, or maybe even the following November. In the unlikely event that we do get a bit of sun, pessimism is key. It won't last, it's not before bloody time and it's not as nice as the old days (even though the same moaning went on back then.) Repeating what the other person said will always work too. "Miserable day." "Yeah, miserable."
There are a few cases where the weather will not be your opener, although it will definitely still come up at some point, so keep it in mind. If you are watching sport or reading about it in a paper whilst perched at a bar, the person beside you will expect you to open with a general comment about the sport in question. Again, how much better it used to be is popular here, as is the amount of money these sportsmen are earning. How shite it is will also suffice. Even if it's the best contest you've ever seen. Actually, especially if it's the best contest you've ever seen. You can not be seen to be impressed. After all, if you yourself hadn't had the gammy leg/got into the booze/found yourself a woman, you could teach this lot a thing or two.
Standing at a bus stop is another exception to the weather rule. Your first question has to be "Are you waiting long?" After this pointless enquiry you can move on to whatever you like. Which is where the shite-talk really starts.
Where you go with the shite talk is really up to you, and it depends massively on who you're talking to, but I will try and give you a few pointers nonetheless. Politics is a great way to get people talking. However, unless you're with friends, never reveal which party you support or give away any real opinions. It will only lead to arguments with strangers, which as everyone knows, is a cunt's trick. Saying things like "They're all a shower of robbing bastards" will suffice, as you can be pretty sure this is what everybody thinks of politicians. If they don't, then it will be worth looking like a cunt to have an argument with them, as you will undoubtedly win. The Health Service is also a risk-free topic of conversation, as there can be no denying it's in shite. Other than that, keep it small. Giving out about fiscal policy is out, giving out about the plastic bag levy is in. This is particularly relevant if your partner in shite-talk has come in out of the rain wearing a plastic bag as a waterproof hat, which is quite a common occurrence in this part of the world, and should only be encouraged.
Giving out about "The Wife" is also quite a common shite-talk topic. It must remain light-hearted though, things like how she tries to keep you indoors and takes all your money. Anything more serious, save it for the marriage counsellor. Nobody wants to hear your problems. It should also be pointed out, just in case Mrs. Cobblestones and Heroin reads this blog, that this writer does not engage in this topic of conversation.
A situation may occur from time to time where, due to a person's intoxication (or how bollixed they are, in Dublinese) you can't understand a word they say. This is not a problem. Phrases like "This is it," "Ah sure, what can you do," and "I know, don't be talking," will fit into every conversation, so just throw them in every few seconds and you'll be fine.
If you're in a pub, the quality of pint in that and every other pub in Dublin will also come up, so do your research. After that, I'll leave it up to you. If you're still not getting the knack of it after a bit of practice, you'll just have to get yourself a mp3 player and pretend to be a cunt.
Enjoy the shite-talk, I hope to help you practice it some day. Mine's a pint. Don't forget to click follow, click the ads and tell your mates. Good luck.
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