Churches and Boozers

There's two counties in Ireland: Dublin and The Country. No matter which one of these counties you live in, there's two places you're not going to be able to avoid; pubs and churches. Whilst I'm sure mullahs (that's dwellers of The Country for our international readers) have their own expectations of the behaviour required in both boozers and places of worship, I have no desire to find out what these are. Therefore this post will concentrate fully on how to go about yourself when the time comes, as it inevitably will, for you to step into one of these establishments as a true Dub.

The Dub-etiquette for going into churches is very simple; don't. This does not mean you have to give up your religious beliefs, nor miss out an important family christening/wedding/de-frocking (I assume they do that in front of a crowd?) Far from it. You, as a Dub, will go along to the church, but you must stand outside smoking for the entire service. Inclement weather should not stop you carrying out this centuries-old tradition. In fact, that makes it all the more satisfying. The smokes used should be unfiltered. Sweet Afton will win you the favour of your fellow church-goers, as will rollies.
If, however, you don't smoke, you have no reason to stand outside and will look like a spare prick. In this case, it is advisable to enter the church and stand up against the back wall, preferably reading a tabloid newspaper. Yes, your priest/rabbi/Star Trek Welcomittee Captain (I'm not making that up) will see you, but he will know that, as a Dub, you already know everything there is to know about religion, or anything else for that matter, and will just be pleased you have graced his building with your presence.
You do not respond to the prayers as you don't need to. The culchies up the front will be chomping at the bit to jump in and show the priest how good they are at remembering the responses and saying them as loudly as they can, so you'd only be drowned out anyway.
When the shakey-hands bit comes around, don't offer your hand first. You never know who is standing beside you. Even if it's someone you trust, leave it. You don't want people talking. However, if a hand is offered to you a quick touch will suffice, in the interest of good manners. Just get it over with quickly and remember to wipe your hands on your trousers afterwards. The last thing you want is culchie germs on the hand you feed your dog with. Rabies treatment is expensive and you'll need all your money for the pub.

Pubs are the very fabric of Dublin city and even if, for some reason, you're not a fan of them, you will end up them quite regularly. I challenge you to think of one occasion which a Dublin person doesn't think it right and proper to adjourn to the pub afterwards. Christening? Pub. Wedding? Pub. Funeral? Pub. Match? Pub. Work? Pub. Hangover? Pub. I could go on and on.
Firstly a few words about your choice of pub. It must not be in Temple Bar. It must not be a "gastro-pub." It must not be a nightclub, or anywhere that the music is so loud you can't hear Ann Doyle tell you about things you couldn't give a shite about from the television in the corner. It must not be a student pub, even if you are a student. If it does a "County Colours night" then forget it; it's a place for bogger Gardaí to meet bogger teachers and have a laugh about how fifteen men with sticks from his part of The Country could beat the shite out of fifteen men with sticks from her part of The Country, or some such shite. There are a few specific pubs I could recommend, but we'll get to that in a future post. For now, avoid the aforementioned places and you should be okay.
Now onto what to do when you enter your boozer of choice. If you are on your own, or the first of your group to arrive, head straight to the bar. There is nothing more odd than seeing somebody sitting at a table away from the bar on their own. If you're sitting at the bar, you will look like you belong there. Similarly, never wait outside for your friends to arrive. There's beer inside and you'll look like a tosser. A bit of preparation is also required for this part of proceedings. A paper should be acquired on your way there. Bury your head in this once you've got your drink and you won't be bothered by any travellers selling DVDs or mulcheros selling turnips who have snuck in when the barman wasn't looking. The paper you choose is up to you, although The Examiner should be ruled out for obvious reasons. If you're going for a few pints in the evening you won't have a choice, as unfortunately the Herald is the only evening paper currently available in the city. I do know one old Dub who reads the last ever copy of The Evening Press, which he's had laminated and bound, but the Herald will have to do for most of us.
The drink you order should always be a pint. Guinness, preferably. Chances are you haven't had your dinner/lunch/breakfast in your rush to get to the pub and stout will fill that hole. There are other stouts on the market but they're only drunk by rednecks, whose tastebuds are destroyed by years of eating bacon and cabbage three times a day every day anyway, and can't taste the difference. Large bottles of Guinness or MacArdles are also acceptable, once they're off the shelf and not out of the cooler. Freezing the taste out of beer is a cunt's trick, mostly practiced by Yanks because their beer tastes like fizzy piss.
When your friend(s) join you, you may move away from the bar if you wish, but not before buying the first round. If your pals are also proper Dubs, they will also offer to pay for it. Whoever gets it, don't get into a mock-row over it. This is a stupid yuppie thing to do and won't go unnoticed by the bar's other patrons, who will instantly lose respect for you. You're going to return the favour anyway so what's the point?
Conversation must initially revolve around sport, weather and the quality of the pint. You will eventually get onto all sorts of nonsense but these are the three starting points. When it is your round, you will order more pints when your group are about two-thirds the way through their current drinks. This gives the new pints time to settle without your friends having to wait for another sup after their glasses are empty. If at any stage you feel a bit peckish, peanuts are the only acceptable pub snack to order in Dublin. Crisps and sandwiches are only acceptable at parties, and even then I'd be careful nobody was watching. If you ever hear anybody ordering chocolate in a pub, you've obviously gotten lost and ended up in The Country. Retrace your steps until you can no longer smell cowshite and be more careful next time.

I think that just about covers churches and pubs. Thanks for reading and be sure to hit the follow button. Next time I'll be advising you on how a real Dub conducts himself on trips abroad and on those rare occasions when a visit to The Country is necessary. Good luck.