So far in this blog I've concentrated on how to conduct yourself in a variety of Dublin situations. What I haven't advised you on is how you must appear to others as you are getting on with any of this important business. Your appearance is a vital part of fitting in and if you choose the wrong clothes, shoes or haircut you could instantly be revealed as an outsider, rendering all of my previous and future advice useless. With this in mind I shall try my best, in the next few paragraphs, to help you present yourself as a real Dub.
Firstly, a few things to be avoided. Anything that could be described as "designer," "trendy," or "fashionable." These will make you look like a wanker/tourist. Anyway, they tend to cost a few bob, and a Dub has better things to be spending his money on than wanky clothes. Tweed should also be avoided, unless you're experienced enough to know what you're doing. Some of the most heroic Dubs you will see will be wearing either tweed caps or tweed jackets (never both) but in the wrong hands it can be dangerous and may make you look like a bachelor farmer. So, just to be careful, avoid it. Runners, tracksuits, etc. are also to be given a wide berth. As mentioned previously, any sport Dubs participate in can be done without leaving the bar, so there's no need for sports gear. The wearing of denim should be kept to a minimum. Yes, it is cheap and absorbs spilt stout easily, but you don't want to look too much like John Wayne. Dubs don't need an excuse to give you a slagging, so don't give them one.
Now, onto the clothes that will earn you the respect of your family, drinking buddies and passers-by. Michael Guiney's should be your first, and only stop on your annual shopping trip. There, a large amount of shirts should be bought. Plain white, anything dark or nice checkered numbers will do the trick. Dark, preferably black, suits are the next thing on your shopping list. The jacket and corresponding trousers will only be worn together for weddings. Apart from that, feel free to wear the first jacket a non-matching trousers you find of a morning. A worn-out paisley tie and a pair of knackered brown brogues will finish this outfit off nicely.
It should also be pointed out that this is summer-wear. In the winter, a colourful but threadbare geansaí should be worn over the shirt, but under the tie. A long raincoat and a "paddy" cap can also be worn if the weather demands it, and it probably will. And remember, white socks are for cunts.
Under your cap, your hair should be smothered in Brylcreem and brushed back. Think 1930's footballer and you've got the picture. A thick, bushy moustache is recommended. As well as making you look like a real Dub, this is a handy thing to have the morning after a night on the sauce. A quick suck on your moustache will provide you with approximately one half pint of Guinness to help you on the road to recovery. At least one day's stubble on the rest of your face should also be considered, when possible. And woe betide any wannabe-Dub who invests in a male grooming kit. Your ronnie will cover up those stray nose-hairs anyway, and the ones poking out of your ears are little badges of honour, proof of your many years of experience.
If glasses are to be worn, the cheapest ones possible will suffice. If they are held together by tape and/or elastic bands, all the better. As for accessories, a copy of the Racing Post rolled up under your arm will help you look the part. Anything else is just messing about. Jewellery should be limited to your wedding ring (if you're one of the unfortunate ones,) a battered watch and a truckload of religious medals, whether you're a God-botherer or not.
I'll leave it at that for now, and I'll be back soon with loads more helpful advice. If you've any suggestions or criticism, stick it on a postcard, set it on fire and shove it up your hole. Talk to youse soon.
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