All Dubs love their animals. Whether they're pets, sporting icons or your dinner, you'd be lost without them. Of course, as with everything, there are some exceptions and a few things to look out for in your life as a Dublin animal-fancier. I will go over these now, so you can't say I didn't warn you.
The most obvious connection between Dub and beast, and one we have touched on before, is that of punter and horse/greyhound. Any animal that can win you a few bob has to be respected, with many pints being drunk all across the city in honour of a victorious animal. The love of racehorses, in particular, will even lead many Dubs to brave the savage hordes of turnip-headed culchies in order to reach the many racecourses up and down The Country. These tracks were originally built to help the mullahs forget their troubles (namely that they spend all day shovelling shite and then go home to start their nightly conundrum of trying to differentiate their wife from their donkey) but once the Dubs realised there was a few bob to be made at the expense of bog-trotting bookies, they packed their muldoon-repellent (soap) and flask of coddle and hit the road (or dirt track, in most cases.)
It should be pointed out, however, that this love of racing animals is not unconditional. All in-the-know Dubs will, as mentioned previously, make a fortune out of the bookies. But the odd time, an unreliable horse or dog may let you down. In these instances, the animal in question should be cursed as loudly as possible, so that all your pals know that this is a one-off, and that now would be a good time to get the pints in.
The love of pets, however, is most definitely unconditional. The important thing here is to get the type of pet right. A dog should be number one on your wishlist. They are loyal, caring and great company. But more importantly, they occasionally do a shite on your brand new rug. Why is this a good thing? I hear you ask. Well, it gets the missus off your case for a couple of days, and gives you plenty of opportunity to sneak off down the pub with the dog (on the pretence of getting that fucking dog out of the fucking house) while she's looking up recipes for Jack Russell curries in one of her many Korean cookbooks. The type of dog you should get is fairly straightforward. Have a look in a few of those women's glossy magazines. If you see a particular breed of dog poking its head out of some talentless blondie tramp's handbag, forget about it. Otherwise, it's up to you. However, greyhounds will get you bonus points down the pub, as will those dogs that look like they have a moustache, because they look like little Dublin aul'fellas and will blend in nicely.
If you're one of the many Dubs who divides his time evenly between his bed and his local, a cat could be more suitable for you. They'll be asleep about as long as you, be out acting the bollox with their mates about as long as you and will use the non-bedroom part of your house only long enough to gobble down a tin of food as quick as possible before going back asleep, just like you. I would recommend naming your cat Yasser Aracat or Chairman Meoiw, to make your cat-ownership seem more heroic, and less lonely lesbian-esque. If you're the sporty type, and greyhound training is out of your price-range, racing pigeons are the way forward. There's nothing more Dublin than the sight of a dozen or so gicknahs in full flight. If you can train them to shite on your flash neighbour's Volvo, all the better.
Fish, small rodents and budgies are for kids, and snakes, lizards and the more exotic types of pet will mark you out as a dullard who's trying too hard to be interesting, so unless you have a child or an accountant living with you, these things should not be allowed enter your house. Neither should their pets.
Cows, pigs, sheep, poultry etc. should only come into contact with a Dub when he is eating them. Leave it up to the mullahs to rare and kill them. It seems to be the one thing they're good at so best of luck to them. If you have a bit of land in Dublin which you didn't manage to sell for housing during the Celtic Tiger and you want a larger animal to keep on it, a donkey (pronounced like monkey, with just the first letter changed) is your only man. You'll never need your bins collected because, just like a mullah, they'll eat any auld shite.
That should tell you all you need to know about animals, so I'll leave it at that for now. I have heard some reports of culchies reading this blog, and while you can't blame them for trying to improve themselves, I would still like to finish by sending out a warning to my loyal Dublin readers. Be on the watch-out for these welly-wearers in disguise. Remember, they can never fully remove the smell of manure from their person, so a quick sniff should be enough to tell you if you've a real Dub or an incognito culchie on your hands. See yiz after.
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